Some people are afraid of falling in love.

Other people are afraid of never falling in love again.

It's raining outside. It's wonderful.
Went outside on the balcony with my LOVE hoodie and flip flops.
Stayed there for about half an hour.
Probably don't have pnemonia. But I do have cold toes.

I missed the rainy season here last year, I was in Chicago instead.
But I heard plenty about it from James.
Las Cruces was crying because I wasn't around, he said.

It hurts so much.
I don't know how to be okay again.

lmao.

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the salt of these tears
is no comparison
to the bitter taste
of your words in my mouth

we were sitting on a couch. just hanging out like friends do. and he stretches. and i think to myself "hah he's gonna put his arm behind my shoulders." and he does. and i reach up my hand to the one around me, and his fingers start playing with my own. and his skin was warm, and rough like it always was. and the curves and angles were all those of his hands. his real hands. and it was perfect.
And it was a fucking dream.

I have had three dreams lately, in which i have gotten kisses. They were awkward and silly, but they were perfect. Ugh.
One of them though, about absolutely perfect. Like, I want to write about it, the moment was so beautiful. It was my own dream, and I don't know if i can do it justice.
I get emotional just thinking about it.

Jeez. So many things to say, and no body to say them to. Which leads me to my first point of discussion.

1. Really, it is my first point of discussion. I have all these things to talk about to someone, but i don't have anyone to really talk to them about. i hate it. i mean, some of my friends are all "oh miranda, i'm here for you. you can talk to me about anything" but just because they say that doesn't mean i feel like they're the best person to talk to. i don't even really WANT to talk to them about it. (Doesn't take a genius to guess who i do want to talk to things about)

2. While I'm on the subject of not talking to james. I was thinking about it all yesterday and today. A year ago we were best friends. a few short months ago, we were best friends. If i saw him in the hall, i would smile and be like "oh look, it's my best friend. I could write a friggin book about him, i know him so well." and i wouldn't think twice about catching up with him to chat. I saw him yesterday in the hallway and i realized that i barely know him now. And it didn't even cross my mind to catch up, just to say hi.

3. I was reading the journal i kept this time last year. I realized just how much nothing has changed between how i feel now and how i felt then. But then i realized that wasn't true; it's actually much much worse now. There was no heartbreak and humiliation then. I was at least his very best friend then. And we would cuddle. and we would just hang out. often. and it was happier than i'd ever realized at the time. I had to stop reading. I couldn't stand the memories. They are what makes this the hardest. There are just too many good ones for it to be over.

4. I just had a discussion with my mom. and she told me about how she truly believed that she and my dad were meant to be. and i couldn't stop myself from breaking down. I think she understood then how much i believed that james and i flat out belong together. and she gave me hope for the future. and that is perhaps the first time that anyone's really said that to me, what i really needed to hear, since all this happened. Everything else has just been "oh, don't worry. you'll get over him" but i don't think they realize that get over him is one of the last things i want to do.

5. Alison though, kept saying "oh, miranda, i know how you feel. I've been there. blah blah blah" but the thing is. She hasn't. When has she had her heart broken? she's still with izzy. damian was a 14 year old's crush. and Jay? sure, they had a thing. But it obviously wasn't all that serious if she never thought "hey, we might have something going here. what am i doing with izzy?" they never started making plans for their future. places to go. things to do after they're married.
She has not been where i am.

That's really the bulk of what i had to say.
I have to pee and shower.

Have you seen this girl?

But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue.

You're standing there before me,
Pretty like a butterfly,
Hovering just outside my grasp,
Fluttering close enough for me to feel your light breeze,
Before darting away, leaving me
Wondering if you'd ever been near at all.
We remain
Enthralled in our dance as the sky becomes black
And the grey clouds threaten to release an ambush of snow
Into the frigid sky.
My fingers, stretched out to you,
Have gone numb
And the nothingness begins
To spread up my arm and into my body.
You look at me and smile with wide eyes.
I look at you and wish you were mine.

They always say "Bros before hoes." I guess that means best friends are pretty important, huh? But then again, the "ho" is the one that you wake up to every morning. Guess they're both quite very extremely intensely important. I never had the problem of having to choose my boyfriend over my best friend, or my best friend over my boyfriend. I was that lucky girl whose bestfriend became my boyfriend. And it was glorious.
Andthenitwasn't.
He held both those important titles, but now he's neither. And that's what hurts the worst.
He was the one I would pour my heart out to.
Now I have my computer.
Whoopee.
A girl needs her beffy at a time like this, I should- oh. wait.
I hate hate hate hate this.
Walking on eggshells, because I don't want to make him feel awkward.
Or like i'm stalking him.
Or like being with me in the first place was a mistake.
I don't want to chase him away, even from being my friend, because.
I can handle the idea of not being, yanno, "boyfriend/girlfriend" with him because I do have faith that fate works itself out in the end, and if we were meant to be, we will be together again.
What I cannot handle, though, is completely losing him, my best friend. (Note that this sentence was the first that made my eyes tear up)
My Pockets.
My Elderly Mexican Princess with Large Ocean Waters.

Then where would I be?

I had a dream last night.
It was a wonderful dream.
Simple.
Happy.
Perfect.
It was our lunch our, and the whole gang was there, including james.
I don't remember the conversation.
Or the location.
But I remember the laughs.
It was happier than I've felt in
at least three weeks
probably more

And then I woke up.
And I cried.
Because I realized its falsity.
And that I would have to get out of bed
And face my life.
Again.
And again.
And again.

Into how many pieces can a heart deteriorate
until it is broken beyond repair?
Every time i see him, the crack grows deeper.

I hate my life sometimes.

Hopes and dreams like iceburgs,
Threatening my every move.
I am deafened by the waves crashing in my ears.
Who will save me?

I have never felt so alone,
except perhaps when he was here,
sitting right beside me,
and couldn't even see me.

Love is and irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

-- Robert Frost

Speech is an arrangement of notes that will never be played again.

-- F. Scott Fitzgerald

All you need is love. These five words were first sung by the Beatles in 1967 and have since then been known world-wide and quoted countless times. In the past years, my faith in love has been steadily increasing, and I believe that our world, in its current state, needs it more than anything. Murder, suicide, and war: these are the things haunting our society. People worry about global warming and the next ice age, but unless we stop killing each other, and ourselves, we will all be dead before any natural disaster can destroy us. But through the power of love, I believe people of all different races, ages, genders, and sexual orientations can coexist harmoniously. Through love, it is possible to find peach within ourselves.

But where do I begin? With the first murder? Or the first war? How about the first instincts of human beings? The world is made up of countries, which are then made up of populations, which are simply made of people, millions of people. We are the rocks, the trees, and the rivers that make up our world; we make it into what it is, so I must first begin with the individual. When asked, "Do you love?" most people would say yes. It is a decent start, but ask those same people "Do you hate?" and chances are they would again say yes. Love is more than wedding dresses, birthday presents, and hugs; it is finding compassion within yourself and extending your arms in such a way that all ideals and opinions can fit inside your embrace.

I believe one of the most important aspects of love is appreciating the miracle of life. You must first value the earth, and every living thing on it, in order to see the poetry in nature. The beauty of the human body and soul is often underrated; there are six billion people on this planet, each with their own thoughts, ideas, and dreams. Sometimes, when everything is quite around me, or if I'm in a particularly crowded place, I think about all the people in the world. I wonder what conflicts are in their lives, what they think about when they're alone, and what they are passionate about. It is still strange to me, to really think about how every person has the same thoughts and emotions as I do. Sometimes people just need to stop and remember that human beings are more than just flesh and blood; every life is precious.

It would be unrealistic to think that anybody could simply, miraculously change their ways and begin loving everything they once hated; instead, he could take on the intensely imperative, and joyous, duty of loving himself. For some it may be easy, but for others it might be one of the most difficult goals they will ever have to achieve. But you cannot love someone who lives three miles from you, or someone who lives three thousand miles from you, without first finding love for yourself. But once you do, you will see that you are valuable on this planet, and find the necessary faith in yourself to overcome obstacles. Once you achieve that love, colors are brighter and laughs are louder. You may even begin to see the world as a place that has its fair share of faults, but is not beyond hope, and that maybe, there's even something you can do to help. It is as Socrates once said, "One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is Love."

I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes

-- e.e. cummings

The future is something that everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.

-- C. S. Lewis