Give Me Something To Sing About

A Year In Photographs: Day 1

2010-01-02T23:13:58Z

2010 is upon us and I feel like undertaking a little project.
One photograph per day.
Some might be horrendously boring, some might be absolutely perfect.
Only time will tell.

This first picture is from when I was bored just waiting for Sonya to get home so we could hang. Self Portrait. Good for introductions.

Tired of that angsty bullshit.

2009-12-18T17:29:55Z

Simple as that. What's the point in being consumed by the past and thoughts of make-believe happiness? Life is now and life is vibrant and inexplicable and unpredictable. Life is fluid and ever-changing. Change with it.

MySpace blog by me:

It's silly, really, how everything can change without you ever seeing it coming.
It's silly to think about how much our thoughts and attitude affect our every day.
It's so very silly to think about A Year In The Life Of Me, and how much it is going to affect every single one ahead.

I wish I knew what it was that happened to make this pessimist re-enter the world of optimism. I would do it every day.

(Unless you're horribly bored, you may want to STOP READING NOW)

It has been said that times of pain and heartache, all those lovely all-to-human emotions, can teach you the most about yourself and the world. I think I'm going to have to agree -partially. Personally, in the past two-ish months when I've been so randomly happy (still not complaining) is when I was really able to figure all kinds of stuff out.

Jeez, where do I begin?

First of all, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Call it fate, call it what you will. Life is many things, mysterious, confusing, even absurd, but I have a hard time believing that it's entirely just up to random chance - it's just way to complex and interconnected. This web of ours, it's a beautiful thing. Emotional pain, frustration, all of that, it's not there for the mere torment of your soul; through that pain, we are able to evolve (devole and revolve) as people. That pain is just as necessary for our growth and development as travel, learning, and socializing. "Learn from your mistakes" is a ridiculous phrase, but there is undeniable truth to it. I can't even begin to express how much I've changed in the past year.

Which leads me on to the topic of myself ;)
It's hard to figure out who you are or who you want to be when there is no conflict or resistance in the way. That was me for years. My childhood was happy and I got along well with my parents (still do), I've only recently had my first real emotional speedbump. I got over it. And now there is no awkwardness and there are absolutely no hard feelings concerning the incicent nor are there any sort of "secret feelings" or whatever. But that's not the point I'm trying to make here. The point is, it happened, and because of the experience, I was able to come out of it stronger and somewhat more wiser to the ways of the world. One of the things that I've figured out through all this is that the past should have a special trunk in your attic of memories where it can remain unscathed and untainted by the present and future, and if you ever want to, you can simply pull it out and reminice fondly - not let it affect daily life. Sometimes it felt like everything was right in the world, sometimes it really really didn't, but as long as you don't linger over those memories you're free to live in the present. (what? way to be cheesey, Miranda.)

Anyway, I got super side tracked. Yadda Yadda Yadda. The other day I had a chance to compare a 14-year-old version of myself to my now me and it was absolutely ridiculous. I don't know why I was so angry then and I don't know why I was always down on myself. But again, I think it's more important that I know why I'm NOT those things now. It's been years, but finally, I get it. There's no use in trying to be "sexy" or like some sort of beauty queen, or any of those ridiculous female images given to us Americans. Being me is way more important. I'm a spaz, a nerd, a bit of a hippie, sometimes I'm decently pretty, but sometimes I want nothing more to stay in my pajamas all day. I'm super affectionate, I like giving little gifts for no real reason (or for the only real reason), I like to talk and I don't like to talk, I like adventures with cars and asphalt and I like relaxing on the couch with a remote or a book, I love to learn and am attracted to good grammar. I love smiles that are just for me, and I love crinkly-eyed laughter. I feel loved when a person takes the time and effort to get to know me well enough to know when I need a hug or a cuddle just by looking at me. I could go on and on with all my Miranda-ness, but again, sidetracked. The point I was trying to make was that somewhere out there, I'll find someone who truly appreciates those things about me and it's completely useless to try to change any of my essential Miranda-isms because that's just being untruthful. Which is lame.

My name is Miranda Flores and I'm a romantic, plain and simple. Execpt nothing is entirely simple when it comes to matters of the heart (oh my, again with the cheese). I want to live in the present, while keeping a watchful eye on the future, I want to be swept off my feet, and I want to always strive for happiness, even though a lifetime is way too large of a thing to expect something as magical as happiness to be entirely continuous.
My name is Miranda Flores and I'm a sucker for a guy who would
make me a mixed cd,
plan a random picnic,
laugh at my stupid jokes (and believe me, they can be super stupid),
who is perfectly imperfect and
is unafraid to step it up and go after what he wants.
:)

Well, that's all, folks. I didn't start this with any clear plan of what to talk about, so I'm not unhappy with the complete A.D.D. is possesses. But I feel like i achieved what I set out to say. Besides, there's always the EDIT button :)

thexnewxcancer9 @ 2009-08-27T17:56:00

2009-08-27T23:57:20Z

Some people are afraid of falling in love.

Other people are afraid of never falling in love again.

Thunder makes me happy.

2009-05-22T18:41:23Z

It's raining outside. It's wonderful.
Went outside on the balcony with my LOVE hoodie and flip flops.
Stayed there for about half an hour.
Probably don't have pnemonia. But I do have cold toes.

I missed the rainy season here last year, I was in Chicago instead.
But I heard plenty about it from James.
Las Cruces was crying because I wasn't around, he said.

It hurts so much.
I don't know how to be okay again.

thexnewxcancer9 @ 2009-05-20T20:15:00

2009-05-20T20:15:49Z

lmao.

http://www.fmylife.com/images/logo400.jpg

Posted using ShareThis

</3

2009-04-16T04:42:50Z

the salt of these tears
is no comparison
to the bitter taste
of your words in my mouth

gosh darn

2009-04-12T06:51:07Z

I have had three dreams lately, in which i have gotten kisses. They were awkward and silly, but they were perfect. Ugh.
One of them though, about absolutely perfect. Like, I want to write about it, the moment was so beautiful. It was my own dream, and I don't know if i can do it justice.
I get emotional just thinking about it.

Where to begin?

2009-03-18T04:19:35Z

Jeez. So many things to say, and no body to say them to. Which leads me to my first point of discussion.

1. Really, it is my first point of discussion. I have all these things to talk about to someone, but i don't have anyone to really talk to them about. i hate it. i mean, some of my friends are all "oh miranda, i'm here for you. you can talk to me about anything" but just because they say that doesn't mean i feel like they're the best person to talk to. i don't even really WANT to talk to them about it. (Doesn't take a genius to guess who i do want to talk to things about)

2. While I'm on the subject of not talking to james. I was thinking about it all yesterday and today. A year ago we were best friends. a few short months ago, we were best friends. If i saw him in the hall, i would smile and be like "oh look, it's my best friend. I could write a friggin book about him, i know him so well." and i wouldn't think twice about catching up with him to chat. I saw him yesterday in the hallway and i realized that i barely know him now. And it didn't even cross my mind to catch up, just to say hi.

3. I was reading the journal i kept this time last year. I realized just how much nothing has changed between how i feel now and how i felt then. But then i realized that wasn't true; it's actually much much worse now. There was no heartbreak and humiliation then. I was at least his very best friend then. And we would cuddle. and we would just hang out. often. and it was happier than i'd ever realized at the time. I had to stop reading. I couldn't stand the memories. They are what makes this the hardest. There are just too many good ones for it to be over.

4. I just had a discussion with my mom. and she told me about how she truly believed that she and my dad were meant to be. and i couldn't stop myself from breaking down. I think she understood then how much i believed that james and i flat out belong together. and she gave me hope for the future. and that is perhaps the first time that anyone's really said that to me, what i really needed to hear, since all this happened. Everything else has just been "oh, don't worry. you'll get over him" but i don't think they realize that get over him is one of the last things i want to do.

5. Alison though, kept saying "oh, miranda, i know how you feel. I've been there. blah blah blah" but the thing is. She hasn't. When has she had her heart broken? she's still with izzy. damian was a 14 year old's crush. and Jay? sure, they had a thing. But it obviously wasn't all that serious if she never thought "hey, we might have something going here. what am i doing with izzy?" they never started making plans for their future. places to go. things to do after they're married.
She has not been where i am.

That's really the bulk of what i had to say.
I have to pee and shower.

Who is she?

2009-03-17T03:44:46Z

Have you seen this girl?

thexnewxcancer9 @ 2009-02-26T21:25:00

2009-02-27T04:25:33Z

But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue.

A heart is a terrible thing to break.

2009-02-15T00:21:02Z

Into how many pieces can a heart deteriorate
until it is broken beyond repair?
Every time i see him, the crack grows deeper.

I hate my life sometimes.

I am lost in a sea of my own making.

2009-02-14T00:29:54Z

Hopes and dreams like iceburgs,
Threatening my every move.
I am deafened by the waves crashing in my ears.
Who will save me?

thexnewxcancer9 @ 2009-01-26T20:46:00

2009-01-27T03:47:44Z

Love is and irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

-- Robert Frost

The Power Of Love

2009-01-27T03:32:53Z

All you need is love. These five words were first sung by the Beatles in 1967 and have since then been known world-wide and quoted countless times. In the past years, my faith in love has been steadily increasing, and I believe that our world, in its current state, needs it more than anything. Murder, suicide, and war: these are the things haunting our society. People worry about global warming and the next ice age, but unless we stop killing each other, and ourselves, we will all be dead before any natural disaster can destroy us. But through the power of love, I believe people of all different races, ages, genders, and sexual orientations can coexist harmoniously. Through love, it is possible to find peach within ourselves.

But where do I begin? With the first murder? Or the first war? How about the first instincts of human beings? The world is made up of countries, which are then made up of populations, which are simply made of people, millions of people. We are the rocks, the trees, and the rivers that make up our world; we make it into what it is, so I must first begin with the individual. When asked, "Do you love?" most people would say yes. It is a decent start, but ask those same people "Do you hate?" and chances are they would again say yes. Love is more than wedding dresses, birthday presents, and hugs; it is finding compassion within yourself and extending your arms in such a way that all ideals and opinions can fit inside your embrace.

I believe one of the most important aspects of love is appreciating the miracle of life. You must first value the earth, and every living thing on it, in order to see the poetry in nature. The beauty of the human body and soul is often underrated; there are six billion people on this planet, each with their own thoughts, ideas, and dreams. Sometimes, when everything is quite around me, or if I'm in a particularly crowded place, I think about all the people in the world. I wonder what conflicts are in their lives, what they think about when they're alone, and what they are passionate about. It is still strange to me, to really think about how every person has the same thoughts and emotions as I do. Sometimes people just need to stop and remember that human beings are more than just flesh and blood; every life is precious.

It would be unrealistic to think that anybody could simply, miraculously change their ways and begin loving everything they once hated; instead, he could take on the intensely imperative, and joyous, duty of loving himself. For some it may be easy, but for others it might be one of the most difficult goals they will ever have to achieve. But you cannot love someone who lives three miles from you, or someone who lives three thousand miles from you, without first finding love for yourself. But once you do, you will see that you are valuable on this planet, and find the necessary faith in yourself to overcome obstacles. Once you achieve that love, colors are brighter and laughs are louder. You may even begin to see the world as a place that has its fair share of faults, but is not beyond hope, and that maybe, there's even something you can do to help. It is as Socrates once said, "One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is Love."

STEPP Project

2009-01-26T05:36:26Z

This past December, my Government/Economics teacher had our class do a Senior Transition Exit Portfolio Presentation, or STEPP. For the first month of school I did not think much of it on way or the other, but as my presentation date grew nearer, I began to fret. I have always been a shy girl; as a child, some people even thought I was mute. I have never felt comfortable speaking in front of my peers, and the thought of explaining myself at the front of the classroom for ten whole minutes was positively frightening. After it was all finished, I realized that the STEPP project had a much more profound impact on me than I have been expecting; I learned many things about myself, my classmates, and the way people act in different situations.

Every presentation was different, each person standing behind the red podium, sharing facts and stories about themselves that none of us knew. One girl had to bring two boards because she had so much to say. At least three students cried; two more shared stories of hard times with dry eyes. “How brave, to be able to stand up in front of all these people, to be so vulnerable, but still able to persist,” I thought to myself, “I do not think I will be able to do that.” It was not until school was out that I finally realized that I could have been as open as they were. I was just like them; I had the same support from our classmates and the same vulnerability. We were all in it together. Had I realized that at the time, I may have done my presentation differently, trusting that my classmates would not judge me or laugh at me, and allowing me to say all the things about myself that I wanted to say.

In the end, I got up to the podium and did my presentation; I managed to keep the shaking and stuttering to a minimum and get through my speech in one piece. My classmates were respectful of me, as was my teacher. I had Tchaikovsky’s “Violin Concerto” playing in the background; I said it way playing because Classical music has been a part of my life for years, as I started taking piano lessons at the age of four, but its real purpose that day was to try to keep me calm. My presentation lasted all ten minutes and I covered various aspects of my life; however, I spoke only of safe topics - places I have traveled and awards I have received - and nearly completely avoided explaining the deeper parts of what really makes me who I am. I completely missed out on the meaningful part of the project, in favor of staying in my comfort zone. Now I realize, that missing out on that opportunity is far worse that letting my peers see me possibly shedding a few tears and learn about who I am on the inside.

I have always been a student that felt like I had something to prove academically, so I try my hardest to do well in all my classes. In my presentation, I covered all I needed to cover, but barely skimmed the surface of most issues because I was afraid of being in a vulnerable situation. During one of my classmates’ presentations, a classmate who had described a difficult past with perfect ease, I realized that by playing it safe, I did not live up to my full potential. Everyone feels vulnerable when they are forced to step outside of their comfort zone, but persevering is how we grow as people and overcome our fears.

For me, the real risk in the whole project was to not take the risk of being one-hundred percent honest and seizing the opportunity to learn more about myself in the process. Looking back on it, I wish I would have told them about how much my grandfather meant to me and why I do not mind taking after my mother as much as I do. Because of my experience not taking a risk, I have taken a personal vow to not hold back when opportunity presents itself and to take all the necessary risks to grow as a person and to get where I want to be in life.

Boston by Augustana

2009-01-20T04:27:25Z

In the light of the sun
Is there anyone
Oh it has begun
Oh dear you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed
This world you must have crossed
You said

You don't know me
And you don't even care
Oh yeah, she said
You don't know me
And you don't wear my chains

Essential yet appealed,
Carry all your thoughts,
Across an open field
When flowers gaze at you
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you
You said

You don't know me
And you don't even care
Oh yeah, she said
You don't know me
And you don't wear my chains
Oh yeah

She said I'll go to Boston
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over where no one knows my name
I'll get out of California
I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain
I think I'll go to Boston
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town to leave this all behind
I think i need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunsets
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice
Oh yeah

Boston...where no one knows my name...yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah, Boston...
Where no one knows my name.

Dith Pran quote

2009-01-18T00:40:52Z

"I want to save lives, including my own, but Cambodians believe we just
rent this body," he said. "It is just a house for the spirit, and if the
house is full of termites, it is time to leave."

kentuckyfriedcruelty.com

2009-01-09T04:00:59Z

Make your own KFC sign at peta2.com

Make your own KFC sign at peta2.com

I miss him.

2008-11-30T04:48:42Z

He's left again.
I didn't let him see me cry.
It's not fair to him.
He's most definitely allowed to have friends besides me.
But that's not really what's bothering me.
I understand now why Tyler means so much to him. And I think it's great that they found each other.
But that doesn't stop the pang of hurt and sadness in my chest every time he says he has to go to meet with Tyler, or jam with Tyler, or play video games with Tyler, or play Risk with Tyler.
I straight up miss him.
I feel like I haven't been spending real, "quality" time with him. I guess that may be the contrast between how it is now and how it was before, but it's not only that. It's real.
I've tried telling him how I feel about all this, but it always comes out wrong. He gets offended, or hurt, or apologetic. When I say anything, I feel like it's coming off like I'm trying to guilt-trip him. I'm really not.
All I'm really trying to say is that I love him and I miss him and I would very much like to spend some real time with him.
On a very depressing side note, I just realized the third, our 7 month anniversary, is a Wednesday. Which is his church night. With Tyler.
My mommy says it's totally legit for me to feel like I do, but I don't feel like it is when he reacts the way he does.
She briefly stated what she thought I should say to him; it was all things that I had tried to say before, except coming from her, everything sounded so logical and reasonable.
I feel helpless.
I spent hours the past few days sitting with him and Tyler as they played endless video games. Even if I was bored out of my mind, I was there and I was spending time with him. Kind of.
I just want my James.
I don't know how else to say it.

<3

2008-10-26T19:13:20Z

I don't want the world to end because I don't want the people that like it to have to lose it, and I don't want the people that don't like it not have a chance to love it.

<3

2008-10-26T00:04:31Z

it will be a great day when the schools get all the money they need and the air force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber.

Life Wins At Life :)

2008-10-16T02:56:40Z

So I decided to bring this journal back to life. :) I kinda miss it in a weird way. So many of the things written in here are so intensely private i don't know how i even had them as public (needless to say, all that is set to private now), and it's all from a pretty dark period of my life. It's good though, that I just went back and reread almost all of it. I can't believe how different my life is now; it's only been a few months. A few really really good months. :)
I'm seeing life more as an endless expanse of opportunity resting right under my nose. And I think that's the best change in my since then. <3

So. What's new in my life. James! He's not new, but he's holding a new title. In addition to "best bestfriend evar," he's now "boyfriend". I like it a lot. :) So yeah, I swear though, some of those creepy-esque conversation-length quotes in those earlier, still-public entries, really are just because I thought it was an adorable moment. Heh.

I just kind of finished watching the Final Presidential Debate. Kind of, in that my mother and father were talking in the kitchen at the time. Though, they weren't at all using their indoor voices. And they were doing noisy kitchen things. I still think I'm going for Obama. I mean, I didn't hear much of what he was saying about his plans for our nation and whatnot, but he has class. He seems like he has a strong personality. He is composed. Basically, he's everything little McCain is not.

PALIN WANTS TO KILL POLAR BEARS, THE HOOKER!

um. I think that's all for now. I'm about to go find out how much you have to weigh to give blood. Haha. Yay blood drives! I love being useful!!

♥ Miranda

because i love this poem.

2008-02-06T06:27:08Z

How do i love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints - I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

-- "Sonnets from the Portuguese. #43"
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

thexnewxcancer9 @ 2008-01-28T19:28:00

2008-01-29T02:28:28Z

i feel like crying

9 and a half days

2007-12-07T07:11:14Z

today was a pretty good day.
i'm excited for my christmas party.
december 21.
yes.
:)

♥ Miranda

They have no hope
They have no soul
If you let them then they'll take yours
-- Madina Lake